Now that Jimmy Carter has handed away on the ripe outdated age of 100, we right here at Tampa Information Power not too long ago held a séance to compile an inventory of when every present and former president will go away.
This séance started as a traditional assembly, throughout which we mentioned the implications of writing and publishing an inventory of how and when every residing present or former president will die. Then, a unclean cat acquired into the workplace room and dragged grime across the room within the form of a pentagram.
We normally maintain our conferences round an open garbage can flame as a result of our workplaces get chilly within the winter, and we don’t like turning on the warmth. This manner, we are able to get monetary savings for extra necessary issues, like issues to gentle on fireplace within the workplace garbage can.
One factor led to a different, and I ended up chopping my hand whereas we had been passing round our speaking knife, it’s an enormous looking knife we go across the room and whoever is holding the knife will get to share their thought.
My blood spilled onto the open flame, and I cursed in Latin, as a result of I’ve been watching YouTube movies on easy methods to communicate Latin whereas I sleep so I solely know easy methods to communicate it subconsciously.
That is how we summoned a demon into the workplace, and our boss was pissed as a result of we not too long ago needed to let go 80% of our employees resulting from price range cuts and we are able to’t afford to make use of a demon.
The demon had overheard our dilemma with predicting the deaths of present residing presidents.
“I can provide the particulars, and you’ll publish however I solely make one request,” hissed the demon because it wisped across the room, knocking shit over.
After asking it to cease, the demon took the type of American rapper, Pitbull, and walked into the séance circle and snatched the speaking knife from my hand, chopping me once more within the course of.
“If I offer you this data, you need to publish it with out modifying something and you’ll have to come get together with me, I’m solely allowed to at least one night time on this airplane,” mentioned the demon Pitbull.
We begrudgingly agreed and the demon Pitbull went forward and instructed us.
“Each present or residing president will die on the identical time, in 2028 when an asteroid will come in direction of the Earth. The wealthy and highly effective individuals of this world will attempt to escape on Jeff Bezo’s Blue Origin spaceships, however they’ll explode throughout takeoff.” The demon Pitbull then flashed us a smile, “The loopy factor is, the asteroid will miss, and everybody will probably be a lot better off with out these individuals on this world.”
We had been extra dissatisfied as a result of we had been hoping for an inventory with grisly particulars, however I assume they’re all going to die on the identical time attempting to flee a world that can survive.
We then went to get drinks with the demon Pitbull who insisted we hit up a nightclub in Ybor Metropolis as a result of our workplace is on 7th Avenue.
Though Tampa Information Power publishes from the historic road, we don’t actually exit and get together like that anymore. We tried to elucidate to demon Pitbull that the get together scene is extra for the youthful crowd and we like going to the extra relaxed spots with open mics or comedy reveals within the space.
“What, you hearken to individuals take turns speaking for minutes at a time?” requested demon Pitbull. “I died within the 1500’s, I’m attempting to drink a bit bit greater than I ought to tonight as a result of I can’t have tomorrow.”
And that’s the story about how a demon model of Pitbull satisfied me to go partying with him in Ybor. I relived my youth, went out, and stood in line for 10 minutes earlier than safety allow us to in. Whereas on the bar, demon Pitbull instructed me to seize anyone I assumed was attractive and say hello to them.
I didn’t really feel snug doing that, and I wished to complete my drink to go dwelling and play video video games.
“Why are you going to do this, I didn’t inform you, in 2028 you’re going to be a really high-profile and necessary determine in American society. You’ll blow up in one of many Blue Origin spaceships,” mentioned demon Pitbull as he chugged half a bottle of Casamigos tequila.
I requested him why I might go within the spaceship if I knew they had been going to explode.
“You’re not going to have a selection,” demon Pitbull mentioned as he completed the remainder of the bottle. He then walked out onto the dancefloor and handed out.
After dragging the demon Pitbull’s physique again into the TNF workplace, I began up the garbage can fireplace and held one other séance to return the demon again to its realm.
